I’ll be the first to admit that I shamelessly click on all those articles people post on Facebook with the dozens of reasons you know you’re in your twenties or the bajillion reasons why the Hunger Games characters are actually Spongebob characters. One day I hope to be too busy with real life to read these sorts of articles, but today is not that day so I stumbled upon How You Decide Who to Marry (written by kids) for probably the seventh or eighth time. I don’t know about you but when I reread books like The Catcher in the Rye or To Kill a Mockingbird, I have a tendency to notice different things each time. Same thing happened with this well-thought-out piece of literature. Today when I read it, I started to compare things these kids were saying to what I think about marriage. (I did manage to scroll to the comments to see an obscenely lengthy debate about whether or not kids actually said these things or not. I.Don’t.Care. It’s funny either way. I’m gonna pretend it’s real, because ignorance is bliss, and I prefer bliss to the alternative (not bliss)).
Here we go.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
I have this down. As much as I complain about football season, I actually LOVE the fact that Casey loves football. It’s all manly and rugged and sexay. When he says “Oh God, that was a terrible play,” man, it just gets me.
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
I think she has this dead-on. If anyone has chosen who they’ve fallen in love with, let me know cause that is quite a feat. God knew I needed a voice of reason and someone to do my laundry. That’s why I got stuck with Casey. He got the part about me having cats and Casey not liking cats confused. Nobody’s perfect.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
Nailed that one. I was only a few months shy of 24 when we got married, and I had known Casey forever, minus about 15 years.
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
Smarty pants. But foolishness makes life fun, doesn’t it?
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
We don’t often yell at children, because we don’t have any, but we often find ourselves yelling at the same cats. (But I’m just pretending so Casey won’t think that I’m a pushover and so he’ll think I “care about our furniture.”)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
We want a few more, Lori. Casey is looking forward to the day we have more kids around, because he thinks once I have kids I’ll love the cats less. Poor kid is so delusional.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
This one KILLED me, because when Casey and I started dating I remember telling him he was going to have to talk to me if he wanted to continue going on dates. Guess I hadn’t listened long enough.
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
I probably told Casey that I was normal and a well-adjusted human being at some point during the early stages of dating. May have told him I’d never have cats. People change.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
Luckily I’ve never had a bad date. But if I was having a bad date, I’d do the same thing. And instead of making sure the newspapers wrote about it, I’d just write it myself, because I’ve written many obituaries, and I know what I’d want mine to say. I am also still in contact with several editors at the Chronicle, so I could easily send it over. This is the best way out of a bad date, in my opinion. At least with my skill set. I’m also really good at playing dead. I often do it to see how much Casey really loves me.
Just kidding. I just ask him ridiculous what-if questions. (Such as, would you still love me if I cut my hair really short in a sort of half-shaven way and then sat naked on a wrecking ball constantly? Or would you still love me if I brought home another kitten?)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they’re rich.
- Pam, age 7
Seeing as I’ve been dating Casey since I was 17, I didn’t have the chance to kiss any rich guys, so………….
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
Seeing as I’ve been dating Casey since I was 17…….
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
I’d be a lot of times divorced.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8
I agree. Sounds disgusting.
(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
Ehhhhhh. Kinda wrong, Anita. Casey often cleans up after me. Because I’m the “creative” one. That gives me license to be a mess. And messy.
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
- Kelvin, age 8
Hellz ya there would.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10
Good plan. Also, tell her you really love her cats and would do anything for them, even if you hate cats.